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Resenting Too Little Time With Your Children?

The most common complaint I hear from divorced parents is that they are frustrated and angry because they don’t feel they were given enough time to spend with their children due to their custody agreement.

They believe that when the legal system divided the time spent with their children with both themselves and their ex-spouse, they got the short end of the stick. These divorced parents feel they were unfairly ripped off by the legal system and unfortunately, have no way of controlling the outcome leaving them with no choice but to settle for what was ordered.

If this is how you feel, then I’m about to help you see your situation from a more comforting and positive perspective… 

As you know, many things in our lives today seem to be out of our control – including the weather, job security, the cost of living, even what people think and say about us. Not having control of an outcome scares most people because many of us need to feel in control of our reality to feel safe. We prefer when things are predictable and controllable. Otherwise, we get anxious worrying about all the negative things that could potentially happen if we’re to trust other people or our fate.

However, controlling anyone or anything is virtually impossible as well as unhealthy.  

It only encourages fear to arise when faced with a change that dramatically impacts our life – like thinking you’ll lose your loving connection with your children if you’re only able to see them once a week rather than every day!

As a divorced parent, you’ve already had to learn how to embrace a lot of change in a short amount of time, like adapting to a new life for yourself and a new way to parent. This includes sharing your children’s time with your ex-spouse and possibly their new partner as well. You don’t have to like it; in fact, you can spend what time and energy you do have with your children complaining about it and even being angry and frustrated about your situation.  But that will not change the situation – it will only change you!  I’m not saying you don’t have the right to feel angry or frustrated from time to time…your story is very real and you’re the only one living it. However, I can tell you that the only way to make sense of your bad situation is by CHANGING the way you’re dealing with it!

The goal is to stop wasting your energy being angry about things you can’t change or control and start focusing your energy on what you can control.

Cup half full, my friend! I know that sounds cliche…but here’s why it works…

Whether you are divorced, or not, the “time” any parent has with their children should always be precious because time is fleeting. Even in the healthiest family scenarios where both parents are happy, mutually loving and respectable to one another, your children will eventually grow up and move out and want to begin creating a life of their own.

Therefore, your time with them, will again, be limited!  Take it from me, I have three adult children and I’m lucky if I can get all three in the same room for a family dinner at least one day a month due to their own busy personal and work schedules – that’s literally only 12 times a year!  Twenty-first-century family living is ridiculously busy and energy depleting! No one seems to have the time to get together anymore. Or if they do have the time, they usually don’t have the extra energy.

Like you, I love my children dearly and miss them when I don’t get to see them often. I, too, wish their busy schedules would allow for more mom time – but that’s not always realistic. Don’t forget your children’s time also must be divided with their other parent, grandparents, friends and school obligations as well. So rather than spend all your energy getting frustrated because you feel you can’t control the quantity of time you get to spend with your children, put all your energy into cultivating the time you do have into creating more memorable, fun, quality experiences with them instead.

This will not only make the time you have special but far more memorable and exciting. Focusing on the good times will also release unnecessary stress and harmful emotions that compromise the quality of your parenting.

Here’s my parent coaching tip for you on how to change your frustration to gratitude…

Sit quietly for a moment, close your eyes and give yourself permission to take yourself back to being a child at your family dinner table. Envision your mother making you eat all the vegetables you hate that are on your plate. Pay attention to how you feel. Although she was doing what was best for you on a daily (quantitative) basis; it wasn’t a very fun, or exciting experience – right!  Now recall your mother telling you that if you ate all your vegetables, you could have a special treat afterward – yeah – ice cream!  This made you feel happy and hopeful enough to endure all those boring vegetables because you knew that soon you would have fun, be excited and happy to be eating ice cream.

Now open your eyes and realize that although you have limited time with your children and must wait until what feels like forever to see them in between visits, take comfort in knowing that your children think of YOU as THEIR ICE CREAM TREAT!  They will be thrilled to see you AND you get to spend quality time with them instead of being the quantitative parent whose role it is to carry out the day-to-day “boring” activities.

Getting back to my first point, you may not be able to control – or even understand – why you have less time to spend with your children because of your divorce – but you are in control of how you get to spend the time you do have. So start thinking of yourself as that exciting, fun, qualitative “ice cream” parent that your children can’t wait to enjoy and create new memorable experiences with.

Remember, your children won’t remember how many days and hours you spent with them, they will only remember the fun, exciting and memorable times you shared together!

Hold on to that!  Life is nothing more than moments in between the day-to-day routines.  And, when your children grow up, and they will grow up, they will lovingly remember and share those memorable experiences with you that you both created together.  Even when you have long forgotten about some of them, I assure you, they will not!

Use your “in between children time” to start creating your next amazing, memorable “ice cream” moments with your precious children NOW!

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When Breaking Up Is All You Can Do

By Rita Roberts

How do you know when ending your marriage is the right choice for you?

No one can or should answer that question except you. Only you know what is in your heart.  However, you may want to consider some advice on how to recognize the signs that your marriage is headed for divorce.

Although each marriage is as unique as the couple, there are still some common reasons that can lead a marriage to divorce. 

Any one of the situations below may be telling you that it is time to divorce:

Emotionally Out-Growing Your Partner.

When one or both people go through a critical life change, such as infidelity, family death, an addiction problem, a job loss, or a major health setback, the experience can have a huge negative emotional impact on the core foundation of a marriage.

Even though you are a couple, each person will process the change differently, usually one more positively and the other one more negatively. When this happens, both people begin to struggle to share the same values, opinions, and beliefs as the other when once both saw eye-to-eye with each other.

The positive-minded partner tends to be more open to doing any of the necessary self-work or emotional healing required to bring them to a place of acceptance as a result of the life change. The outcome usually leaves them feeling as though they have experienced some form of personal transformation. 

Whereby, it alters their values, beliefs, and perception of the way they now view the world and themselves.  However, the negative-minded partner typically refuses to change and unfortunately remains stuck in their pain and longing for their old life before the change occurred. And unfortunately, their differences can ultimately threaten the foundation of their marriage.

The only way they can ensure continued emotional growth in their marriage is for the negative or “stuck” person to emotionally want to heal as well so that their marriage can continue to grow and they can evolve as a couple. Or at the very least, both will need to agree to adapt to each others differences and agree to disagree so they can continue to grow together emotionally. 

Unfortunately, if both people cannot adapt to each other’s new version of reality and/or are not willing to at least empathize with the other’s choices; this can create a major emotional wedge between them causing a separation of the hearts. Soon the couple begin to feel estranged from each other resulting in the absence of any further emotional growth and a loss of love between them. This is also commonly known as falling out of love with each other.

This emotional disconnect, or love loss, is often the result of one partner stagnating and remaining stuck due to their fear or resistance to change and the other continuing to grow as a person and evolving without them.  This is referred to as emotionally “out-growing” your partner.

Poor or No Communication.

Another major contributor for the deterioration of a marriage is bad communication. It’s amazing how many couples never communicate their true feelings to each other. As a result, without the couple even knowing how or why it happened, they lose their emotional connection with each other. This is the beginning of the end of their marriage.

Loss of Desire to Be Together.

If the relationship reaches a place where one or both partner’s heart is no longer in the game and it takes more energy than they are willing to devote to fixing it, this is a sure sign that the passion is gone and divorce becomes inevitable.

Whatever the reasons are for a marriage to end in divorce, one thing is true for both people, they will need to emotionally heal and grieve the loss of their marriage and from all the mixed emotions that arise as a result of their breakup, especially if they co-parent children together as well. 

They must be willing to heal through each emotional layer in order to let go of their old hurtful past and make room for a new happier future for their good and good of their children. Otherwise, they will continue to harbour anger and resentment and begin adopting a victim mentality.

There is often one person in the marriage who is more in favour of getting divorced than the other person.  Rarely do both individuals want a divorce at the exact same time. Although at first, both may not be consciously aware that their marriage is deteriorating, at a deeper level they realize that they are growing apart and that their relationship has worsened, causing them to fear what comes next. 

At this point, they tend to slip comfortably into denial until one of them finds the emotional strength to stop denying what is happening to the relationship and finally asks the other for a divorce.  Other married couples may spend the rest of their lives denying the truth of their unhappiness, allowing fear to keep them stuck in an unhappy marriage.

Whatever the situation that leads a couple to want to separate or divorce, know this…that the truth about their marriage and what happened, what didn’t happen always ends up getting exposed in the end. Often the truth behind a person’s reasons for wanting a divorce may hurt their partner or perhaps, even devastate them; however, when the truth eventually does come out, it can prove to be quite emotionally freeing.  

Once the person gets over the initial shock and takes the time they need to heal from their pain, they often admit to having known deep down that there had been problems in the marriage, but they were too afraid to address them because they believed that admitting the truth out loud would only compromise the relationship further.  Ironically, it is often the partner who is in self-denial regarding the deterioration of the relationship that is the one that contributes the most to the final breakdown of the marriage.

If you are reading this right now, perhaps it’s because you or someone you care about deeply is seriously contemplating a divorce due to feeling unhappy.  As a healer who has coached many unhappy clients back into happiness, my advice to you is this…if you have done all you can do and said all you can say to help save your marriage and your heart is still unhappy, then find the courage to face your fears and be brutally honest with your feelings.

Because in the end, only the truth truly sets our hearts free to be who we are meant to be and it’s every person’s birthright to live a free and happy life – including you!

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The “Root” Cause of a Bitter Divorce is Revenge!

A common social belief is that “money is the root of all evil”.  When, in fact, it’s FEAR that’s the root of all evil, not money! 

Sadly, this is often the case in a bitter divorce settlement. Many ex-wives fight for unrealistic alimony as a means of financial “payback” and punishment for the emotional pain and suffering they are convinced is their ex-husband’s fault.

The sad truth is that it is nothing more than a false sense of entitlement. Unfortunately, over time their negative energy will transform them from the once loving, confident, happy wife to the unrecognizable fearful, insecure, angry ex-wife whose main purpose is to seek bitter revenge on her ex-husband. Many women are willing to spend outrageous legal fees in the hopes of gaining some cruel satisfaction in watching him suffer financially. Playing the role of victim to her circumstances, she is often unaware that engaging in unnecessary monetary power struggles, sometimes for years, resolves nothing. It is only the symptom of a deeper-rooted fear. In fact, it serves nothing more than to encourage even MORE fear!

Whenever we lose energy to fear-based negative thoughts and emotions, this invites our Ego to take over and control our reality.

Naturally, when your long-term, financially-reliable husband announces to you that he wants a divorce, the initial shock could have a diverse negative effect on you, especially if you never saw it coming. As a result, after the initial shock, anger steps in to mask the fear of your new reality. And, if you haven’t worked on healing your pain, the next harmful emotion you’ll experience as a divorce victim is the desire to seek revenge! And, if you don’t believe me, ask yourself if you sound like this…“You never have to say sorry to me, because I’ll go out of my way to make sure that you are!”

Understandably, your negative emotions are based on the legitimate fear of having to start over again and create a new life for yourself and your children.  Getting divorced means having to uproot your familiar life, adjust to being alone, single and dating again, fear of the unknown and having to take complete responsibility to ensure your survival from now on. In your defense, and from my own personal experience, uprooting a familiar, financially-stable life and establishing a new “unfamiliar” life can be extremely frightening. Not to mention co-parenting and/or becoming a single mom too!

However, what you need to be aware of is that your fear and anger, also known as Ego, will uproot and awaken your instinctive need to “fight” for your survival.  Therefore, as a way of unconsciously securing your survival and attempting to restore what’s left of your shattered self-confidence, your Ego will take control but, unfortunately, in a negative way.

The need to control through alimony:

Since divorce relinquishes your ability to control your husband any longer, it’s not unusual to want to feel in control of something or someone! As sweet and tempting as the opportunity to seek financial revenge feels in order to punish your hurtful, freedom-seeking, perhaps gallivanting, husband and comfort your emotional pain don’t do it!  Or don’t continue to do it.  Even with all the legal cards stacked in your favor, you will unconsciously be creating your own energetic “payback” for the negative karma as a result of your vengeful intentions. Take it from a 14+ year veteran in energy healing, it WILL show up as either constant bad luck, anxiety, depression, financial struggle, poor health or the inability to find authentic love!

By now, we all know that money does not buy happiness. Therefore, ask yourself.  Are you fighting with your ex to receive a fair retainer for your contribution to the marriage OR are you using the legal system as a means to control and punish your husband to satisfy your emotional pain? Remember, we never invest our time in anything we won’t benefit from whether it’s positive or negative. So if you are still battling your ex about money, be honest with yourself and ask yourself “why?”

Just because you have the right to seek financial support in order to satisfy your desire of financial deprivation or punishment toward your ex-spouse doesn’t mean you should take it! On the other hand, you should seek financial support if there are children involved and you were a stay-at-home mom and have no marketable work skills.

Ironically, the only one who reaps the benefits when couples fight over revenge alimony payments is both your divorce lawyers!  Alimony is NOT mandatory nor will it ensure your survival or make you happy, it will only raise your energetic vibration will!  In fact, speaking as a divorced woman myself, it is nothing more than a legally entitled excuse that encourages amazing, powerful women like you to remain small and dependent.  Don’t be pitiful – choose Powerful instead of revenge alimony! How can you be “fiercely independent” when you’re willingly choosing to remain locked into your past? The only thing you will achieve is cheating yourself from building a new life based on happiness, optimum health, and personal empowerment!

Remember, it’s easy to inflict pain and suffering on others, especially on those that we believe have wronged us or hurt us deeply.  Keep in mind that you once loved this person and they loved you. Channel your energy into forgiving him and forgiving yourself too. It took two to make your marriage work and it took two to break it as well. So if you are in the midst of engaging in unnecessary monetary power struggles with your ex, fighting for support money you don’t need, please understand that this is only a “Band-Aid solution” to addressing the real symptom which is your fear of being vulnerable, embracing change and starting over. The only way to be truly free of the bonds that once tied you is by taking complete ownership of your independence!

Money will not heal your pain, love will. And, love will heal you too if you have the courage to rip off your revenge alimony Band-Aid!

*Disclaimer:

Reiki Rita does not feel that all women who seek alimony do so out of a desire for revenge. I fully understand that alimony can be the only thing between a woman or man and poverty. If you sincerely need alimony to survive and remain financially secure, I encourage you to seek alimony.

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The Reason Happiness Is Ellusive For So Many Women

Nothing positive can begin to happen in your life until you realize your own value and self-worth. Otherwise, you will continue to feel like a victim of unhappiness.

The reason you may not be happy, I mean truly happy in your heart and your soul is because you haven’t yet learned the value of making YOUR needs a priority in your life! In other words, making the relationship you have with yourself the most important investment of your time and energy!

The common female response to this is…

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Fifteen Years Post-Divorce And He Can Still Push My Buttons

The key point to remember when working towards the very best version of yourself is to try and find the lesson behind each challenging experience. Once I addressed my bruised ego, I realized that this trip had absolutely nothing to do with me and the type of mother I am.

This past Father’s Day, I broke down and lost control of my emotions when I heard of my ex’s most recent “fun” dad gift to our children.  Ready for this…

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A Mother’s Day Truth

If you really want to know how your child truly feels about you as a mother, you must do this one simple thing…

…read the words inside of your Mother’s Day Card.  These nostalgic words (or lack of) will tell you exactly how your child truly feels about your parenting style and their emotional connection to you!

If you are reading this and are fortunate enough to fall under the 20% category of people who grew up in a healthy, unconditionally-loving, “functional” family home, then you will never understand what I’m about to share. 

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